Why I’ll Never Be The Cool Girl Again, And Why Neither Should You.


A while back, I was unsure about how to continue this blog, and how to stay inspired to write. I never intentionally set out to write about relationships or dating, in fact, my other blog Azúcar and Spice, is about cooking. But it so happened that I was in a place in my dating life that needed to be refreshed. I needed to learn something new and try new things, that’s how this blog was born. 

Over the past year, as I’ve grown and developed as a writer, I’ve also worried about the direction of NotTheCoolGirl.com. Should I continue? Should it be focused on a specific subject only, should I continue writing based on my personal experiences or leave my life out of it? Is sharing my personal experiences with the world even a good idea? 

These are questions I still have not been able to fully answer. Because I just don’t feel there is a “right” answer to any of these questions. I can only do what feels right. And what feels right is to write about topics I’m passionate about and feel I can share quality insight on. What feels right is to share stories that are moving and have an effect on people. What feels right is to do what inspires me. 

Finally I have decided that this blog is about celebrating the authenticity in every woman. It’s about feminism, sisterhood, leadership, freedom, love, life and the pursuit of whatever the hell I feel like. 

I remember exactly where I was standing the day I heard the following words of author Gillian Flynn‘s lead character Amy Dunne in the book Gone Girl, as she rants about the cool girl phenomenon. I was in the kitchen making dinner, listening to the audiobook, and I think I was about to put the chicken in the oven when I heard Amy say: 

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be…”

She was talking about the girl she pretended to be before marrying her now cheating husband who she {SPOILER ALERT} decided to frame for her murder. Yes, definitely questionable to name my blog after the conjecture of a psychotic character in a fictional story. However, Something in her words really resonated with me. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or be offended. What’s wrong with liking dirty jokes and chili dogs? I asked myself. Obviously nothing. But the deeper question remained, had I been acting like the cool girl? The answer was literally staring me in the face, if I hadn’t been drinking, I could swear the chicken I was roasting actually flapped its wings in agreement.

There I was, making a complicated three-course meal without anything spicy and as bland as possible for my then boyfriend/roommate. I took another sip of the red wine, that I would have to drink all on my own, because he didn’t partake in my “wine drinking.” I was living in his home, with his rules, and making a meal his way in his kitchen. “Holy shit,” I gasped, “I am the cool girl!”

And if you’ve been keeping up, you know what happened next…

A year later, I started this blog and created the #NotTheCoolGirl, because I wanted to be different and never fall into the cool girl trap again. There were a couple of parts in that paragraph that I had to laugh at and say: “Yep, that sounds like something I’ve done”. I don’t want to be a pretender anymore. I want to celebrate the original, the angry the autonomous, the feminist, the irrational, joyous, passionate, dancing soul inside me. I want to be authentic! 

What is a “cool girl” to me?

Simply put, a pretender. A female persona who believes in charging a fee for her charisma. We all know this woman, because we each have one inside of us. We’ve all been that cool girl once or twice in our lives. Come on… admit it. It feels good to be “the cool girl”. Everyone loves the cool girl, in public. Secretly hating her behind her back. The cool girl is low maintenance, high energy, super confident, sexy. Not too independent, not too loud, not too talkative, not too much of a feminist. In fact, the cool girl often disassociates herself with feminism because she mistakenly thinks it’s the other dirty F word. Plus the cool girl is never controversial, only speaks her mind in a PC manner, because cool girls are above all polite. 

Yes, YOU and YOU and YOU too ma’am. We’ve all been caught either being or wanting to be the cool girl. In short, the cool girl is every real woman’s nightmare.

It’s true, I love chicken wings and can hang with the boys and make inappropriate jokes too. Liking and pretending to like are very different things. If you’re a woman who can sit and watch football all day and genuinely enjoy it, then that’s you being you, and I commend you for being authentic. If you hate shaving your legs and you decide to stop, no matter what your next date thinks, I think you’re a badass femme confiante! And if you workout daily and never go without a manicure, you go girl for being so cute and disciplined!

And that’s really the point of this blog, to encourage women to be who they truly are, no matter what the world tells them about how to be and what to like. Being authentic is not only good for our sanity, it’s necessary for our relationships to be successful. If praise is all we seek, and we are afraid of being ourselves for fear of not being liked, then do we ever grow? No. Are we ever truly happy? No. We remain the same, caught somewhere between the cool girl and our authentic self, never really fulfilling our true destiny, or living up  to our potential. 

Amy Dunne is an extreme example and a fictional character. But that paragraph above will never lose its relevance as long as women continue to deny themselves the power of being authentic. 

As I enter into my 32nd year of life, I have nothing but good thoughts about what this next year will bring for NotTheCoolGirl.com. It is my hope that we will continue to explore better, deeper, funnier and more interesting topics together. I hope you stick with me as we move forward! 



What have you learned from our journey together so far? And what topics should we explore next? Please tell me in the comments below. 

By the way! I liked this short interview where Gone Girl author Gillian discusses the Cool Girl phenomenom.


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