Look, He’s Just Not That Into You! Or Is He?

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Picture this: Me at 20, doing an internship in L.A. or more specifically, The Valley. Living on my friend Lindsey’s couch for three months, with no money or fake ID to go out with. What to do on those nights when I would come home after a grueling 16 hours of running to Jamba Juice and Starbucks every two hours? Oh the glamorous life of a Hollywood intern… On one especially quiet night, before audible even existed, Lindsey let me borrow her copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You“, written by two Sex and the City screenwriters. What could be more perfect for a confused 20-year-old girl in the height of the SATC craze?! Of course I stayed up reading it, and by morning I felt like a bonafide dating expert. I began applying my newly acquired knowledge the very next day! Two weeks later, I rationalized away everything I’d learned and went on with my hilarious–in retrospect–dramatic dating life…

Fast forward 10 years, now in my early thirties, and armed with an audible account, I decide it’s time to try the book again. Yes, I admit it, I have already listened to Steve Harvey’s books 1 and 2, man, that guy knows how to sell! But I feel inclined to take it back to the basics. I cook dinner while I listen to Greg and Liz tell me repeatedly why “he’s just not that into me.” And I can’t believe how little I retained from my first reading of the book ten years ago. I mean, nada. Except for maybe the part about how dating a married man would be a terrible idea. One point for me! But I can’t give the book credit for something I learned through common sense, and the values my parents taught me. Honestly, I could have saved myself a lot of time if I had made flashcards and taped them to my bathroom mirror. Starting with this simple reminder: “No he’s not afraid of commitment, he’s just not that into you!” That would have been useful…

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The book is so short, I finish it by bedtime. And once again I feel empowered. Mostly because I’ve reinforced my “dating savvy” and feel that I can spot the red flags faster. But on the flip side, thanks to all the “truthful” books about dating out there, most women my age are either confused or paranoid. It makes me wonder, has dating life made us so jaded that we can no longer tell when someone is actually into us? Yes. It has taken me some time to let my guard down and actually trust in people again. But I know I’m not the only one who has struggled with this. We’ve watched too many romantic comedies and spent too many hours trying to talk our friends out of shitty relationships. So it’s no surprise that we’ve forgotten how to spot the sweet ones. That’s why I wrote this list based on my dating experiences, to help keep things in perspective and hopefully remind you that if you pay attention and let your guard down, even just a little, you might be better at recognizing when a guy is actually into you…

 

Remember, this list is based on my personal dating experiences, no names were used to protect the identity of those who were not that into me… 


  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he values his word, that means he does what he says he’s going to do. Or as I like to call it, he puts his money where his mouth is.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he says one thing and does another.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he holds the door open for you.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he walks in and forgets you’re standing behind him.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he makes his intentions clear.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he meanders and keeps his answers vague, always making you wonder what he actually means.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he calls you.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he only texts you, calling is a rare commodity and takes too much of his valuable time.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he makes plans to see you, and keeps them.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he pulls a Houdini and disappears on you. No, he’s not fallen, hit his head and gotten amnesia. As far as my experience goes, that only happens in telenovelas.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he makes reservations, and he picks up the tab. And when you offer to pay he refuses to let you, or only gives in once in a while.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he asks you to split the check.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he is single when he’s dating you.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he forgets to mention he’s married, but maybe getting a divorce… but probably not.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he sits with you until you’re done crying, about whatever it is you’re crying for, even if he doesn’t understand why you’re crying in the first place.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he runs at the first sign of emotional distress by you, especially if he’s the cause of it.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he supports your goals, and then holds you accountable when you lose focus.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he only talks about himself, his goals, and doesn’t ask questions about your life.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he’s consistently communicating with you.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if you only hear from him between the hours of 10 p.m. and 4 a.m.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he just happens to pick up your favorite drink when he’s at the store, even though you didn’t ask him to. Why? Because he’s thinking about you.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he calls you by the wrong name.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he rubs your feet, neck or shoulders after a grueling day, and expects nothing in return. Ok… he probably expects at least a little gratitude in return… don’t be selfish!
  • He’s not that into you if he comes over just so you can give him a “neck rub”.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he picks up the check when you go out to dinner with your parents.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he’s always forgetting his wallet.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he is humble enough to apologize when he’s wrong, and he forgives you when you’re wrong and doesn’t beat you up about it.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he makes you think you’re crazy, when in reality he’s just an asshole who’s afraid to take responsibility for his actions.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he doesn’t make you feel like crap after you got his car towed. Even though it’s totally your fault because you parked it in the tow-away zone of YOUR neighborhood. 
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he’s always pointing out your flaws.

 

  • 🙂 He’s definitely into you if he makes solid future plans with you.
  • 😦 He’s not that into you if he doesn’t want to commit to anything past tomorrow.

What would you add to this list from your dating experiences? 

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